Chapter 1: https://withtwoesses.medium.com/holly-and-her-dusty-pranksters-chapter-1-f4656b418a5c
Chapter 2: https://withtwoesses.medium.com/holly-and-her-dusty-pranksters-chapter-2-c70a642ffc74
Chapter 3: https://withtwoesses.medium.com/holly-and-her-dusty-pranksters-chapter-3-aad87a15dd6f
Chapter 4: https://withtwoesses.medium.com/holly-and-her-dusty-pranksters-chapter-4-6154af4a99bf
Porta-Potty Paparazzi
Thanks to several pumps of not-lube from the dispenser and plenty of determined and oblivious-to-how-it-must-have-appeared scrubbing, Polanco managed to eradicate the ashy remnants from his junk. He peered down the array of fiberglass capsules, pondering which one contained his miserable girlfriend.
He was just about to inquire stall-by-stall when he noticed a dozen or so people hovering in front of a porta-potty about two- thirds of the way down the line. Polanco stood, mystified, trying to remember if they had been there a few moments earlier. No, he certainly would have noticed such an obvious congregation, so they must have materialized while he was tending to Lil Polanco. Even more puzzling than their rapid appearance was the fact that they were excitedly — and completely silently — beckoning other passers-by to join them.
He strolled closer to get a better look at the hubbub. Someone had unfurled a lengthy stretch of ruby red fabric straight out from the entrance of one of the latrines. It was only as wide as the porta-potty door, but as long as five bikes lined up wheel-to- wheel.
As he approached the middle of the fabric, Polanco overheard one of the participants whispering, “Just wait. You’ll see. We’re about to make someone’s day a whole lot weirder. Get ready to go fuckin’ crazy, but wait til right when the door opens.”
Polanco had heard of people doing this red carpet prank at the porta-potties before and he vaguely remembered seeing a clip of it in his stream back home, but in all his years on the playa, he had never witnessed one in person. He looked around for Holly, hoping she had finished peeing so she could join in the fun that was about to transpire. This was exactly the kind of ridiculous mischief she desperately needed to witness to help reboot her week. He quickly scanned the entire bikeyard, the line of toilets in both directions, and the hand sanitizing stations at each end.
No Holly in sight.
“Shit”, Polanco thought to himself, “she’s gonna miss it.” At the end of fabric closest to their chosen latrine, Polanco saw one of the members of the red carpet crew balancing awkwardly on one foot so she could tilt her ear toward the door. She was dressed in houndstooth from head to knee and carried a backpack decorated with neon pink electroluminescent wire that had been coerced into the outline of a house cat.
Pink Pussy Pack turned toward the gathering mob with a surprised, worried look on her face. She stuck out her tongue and dramatically brushed her hand up from her throat while throwing her torso forward. Her fellow soon-to-be pranksters were so busy trying to get more people to join their effort that most of them didn’t notice her miming.
But Polanco did, which caused his heart to start pounding through his chest. “Hey, did anyone see who went in that porta- potty?”, he asked in a whisper, to no one in particular.
“No”, replied the woman next to him, “Maybe he does, though”. She motioned with her chin at the far end of the carpet, where a blur of gold was gesturing frantically.
Polanco thanked her and hustled to the back of the line. The animated blur took shape as a fair-skinned young man dressed in gold-sequined booty shorts and matching gold hi-tops. His sunglasses — adorned with a thick, dirty blond length of fur across their entire top frame — bounced up and down on his face as he waved for more people to join in on their prank.
Polanco greeted him with a “Nice unibrow, dude”, followed by “Hey, did you happen to catch who went in there?”
“Yeah of course. Skinny white girl. Maybe mid-20s?”, Gold Sequin Shorts replied, “Ponytail, orange sleeved top. Seemed like she *really* need to relieve herself. Why? Do you know her?”
Polanco stood stunned for a second, unsure how to respond, before growing a grin so wide and toothy, the Cheshire Cat would have been jealous. “Oh yeah. I know her. She’s my girlfriend”, he confessed. “And I think she just puked in there.”
“Oh no. Seriously? Is she sick?”, said Gold Sequin Shorts, considering this development. “Well, it’s too late to call it off now. Think she’ll want to perform for her paparazzi?”
Before Polanco could respond with an emphatic “No friggin’ way!”, a flurry of motion at the opposite end of the red carpet grabbed everyone’s attention. Pink Pussy Pack waved vigorously at the throng behind her, then pressed a finger to her lips and held her other hand, open-palmed, straight up in the air.
The entire line of people — now three deep on each side of the carpet — crouched in anticipation.
Time slowed to a crawl.
Four seconds transpired.
The tension in the crowd increased exponentially with each passing moment.
Eight seconds passed. But it seemed like eighty.
Everyone held their breath in unison.
Twelve.
Fifteen.
Finally. Dramatically. The porta-potty door swung wide on its hinge and a seafoam green sandal stepped out onto the red carpet. Less than a nanosecond after touching down, the entire greeting party erupted in a deafening crescendo of screaming, clapping, whooping, hollering mayhem.
Their prank victim flinched, jumped nearly a foot in the air, unleashed a short high-pitched “Ack!”, and instinctively swung her backpack through the air in self-defense. Adrenaline rushed through Holly’s body at the cacophony while everything around her moved in slow motion. A sharp flash of light to her immediate left — then another from the other side — added to her disorientation. She froze in place as her vision narrowed to just the long stretch of red fabric between two seemingly-endless lines of lunatics jumping up and down, clapping and screaming directly toward her.
Shouts of “AHHHHH” “WOOOOOO” “YEEEEEAAAHHHHHH” pummeled her eardrums as she began to put the pieces together. Her heart raced. Face bright red. Both legs frozen. Not a single part of Holly’s body knew what to do.
An Aussie-accented shout rose over the deafening fracas and snapped her out of it. “Oi, are ya gonna work the red carpet fer yer adoring fans, or not? We’re waiiiiting, hey!”
Every single eye in the universe felt as if it were fixated on her at that moment. Realizing there was simply no escaping her fate, she swung her arms out wide, bowed her head slightly, and curtseyed. The throng went nuts as Holly sashayed down the red carpet.
She had only taken a few steps when she caught a glint of one of the cheerer’s shiny earrings. Suddenly, a voice echoed between her ears “…you will discover the perfect moment for it…”
Holly paused, reached into her pack, pulled out the tiara, balanced the janky piece of costume jewelry on her head, and then — as if posing for the cameras — pushed her weight forward on one outstretched leg.
At the other end of the carpet, Polanco’s jaw hit the ground. The rest of the crowd, naturally, roared at the impromptu costume addition. They played along, shouting questions and thrusting mimicked microphones at her.
“WHO are you wearing, gorgeous?” yelled one of the members of the dusty press, “Is it *RALPH* Lauren?”
Holly laughed nervously, realizing they must have heard her vomiting. She shrugged and kept strutting all the way to the end of the red carpet. Time suddenly synced back up with her ability to process things and Gold Sequin Shorts stepped forward to greet her with outstretched arms.
“WHAT a performance!” he exclaimed, hugging her tight. “Are you feeling ok? We didn’t know you were sick!”
Holly tried to catch her breath, “Yeah. I’m fine, I think. Just a bit in shock.”
“Oh good. Phew.” he said, relieved. “Now, what’s your name darlin’?”
“I’m Holly.” She playfully shoved Gold Sequin Shorts in the chest with both hands. “And I can’t believe you did that to me!”
“I know, aren’t we the worst?”, he giggled, while unclasping the necklace he was wearing. “Here. We have something for you. This is for being such a good sport.”
A small, flat, ovoid pendant of wood, with an intricate dreamcatcher design lasercut on both sides, dangled from the string. Holly smiled and tilted her head forward to accept the gift. While Gold Sequin Shorts clasped the souvenir around her neck, she glimpsed a radiant Polanco hovering over his shoulder.
“You!” she accused with a smile, “Did you plan this?”
“Oh no, honey, he had nothing to do with it.” Gold Sequin Shorts interjected before her boyfriend could reply. “He was just as surprised as you were. But clearly we made a great choice. That move to grab the tiara from your bag was simply sublime. What made you think to do that?”
Before she could explain, Pink Pussy Pack jumped in and handed her an undeveloped Polaroid square. “Here, put this in your bag quick, so it doesn’t overexpose. I think we caught you in full-on ready-to-attack mode!”
“Whoa, I didn’t know they still made these things. Thank you!” A horrified look then passed across her face as she recalled her initial reaction to the hoopla. “I’m so sorry I swung at you. But you scared the fuck out of me!”
“Hah! Are you kidding? That was *epic* with a capital E. Switch places with me and I would have reacted the same way.” Pink Pussy Pack confessed, before adding, “Especially if I had just puked my guts out.”
Holly blushed and covered her mouth with her free hand in an unconscious attempt at blocking her vomit breath.
“Ya know what? I think we’re gonna have to call you ‘Princess Holly’ from now on.” Gold Sequin Shorts proclaimed as he reached over to straighten the tiara that still balanced on her head. “No, wait! Princess HURL-y!”
“Oh god, please don’t.” Princess Hurly pleaded.
“Ok, just ‘Hurly’ then.” he stated flatly.
Hurly was about to object further to her newly-granted monicker when a golf cart rolled up beside them. It was the same one adorned with a rainbow flag that she had noticed right before she ducked into the porta-potty. The driver of the cart had a blazing silver mandala temporary tattoo in the middle of his forehead. “You were amazing, gurl. That strutting made my week!”
“Awww, thank you thank you thank you. You guys have no idea how much I needed that.” Holly paused and gathered herself, “By the way, I *totally* caught y’all staring at me before I went inside.”
“Were we that obvious? We loved your little pee-pee dance while you were waiting.” the front seat passenger chuckled. He sported a matching silver disk on his forehead. He thrust a pen and notepad at her, “Here, give us your contact deets and we’ll send you a video next week. It’s one for the ages.”
“Oh no. You recorded that?” Hurly’s heart sank as she handed the pen and paper back to the smiling passenger.
Gold Sequin Shorts interrupted “Welp, we gotta go. Sunset looms.” He tossed their re-rolled-up red carpet in the back of the cart and bid farewell. “See ya around, Hurly!”
